Many of my friends and family have written in regards to my resolve and the attitude I'm taking to recovery.
I suppose I should offer a bit of an explanation, or at least begin a discussion, at this point in my road to recovery.
my attitude is the only one I can conceive as possible and appropriate. from the beginning I was not a victim, but already a survivor. that's the only way, at least how I see it, to move through cancer and gain insight on what is happening to oneself.
if you don't, as far as I can tell, you let yourself become devoured by the cancer.
my frame of mind is not necessarily unique either. i have found it among my parents, the staff at the clinic and all the other survivors receiving treatment alongside of me.
but i don't think war analogies are appropriate either. and certainly my cancer, in comparison to other experiences, is no way similar to a war or conquest.
so along with fighting against positioning myself physically and psychologically as a victim, I have also tried not to get caught up in a 'george versus his cancer' frame of mind. I still don't have the appropriate words to explain why, other than the fact the cancer, welcome or not, is still a part of me and it is a change in my body that will affect my future growth. accepted or not, it is present within me right now. of course, this is much harder to realize than it is said.
so I always appreciate reminds of such attitudes, like the one i got from my dear friend yolanda gonzalez, who told me yesterday not to think of this as my sickness, and though not my wellness, embrace this change and its potential and move forward with my cancer and not necessarily against.
and the notion of acceptance, as in the 12 step variety, i think is key to this attitude.
so I heard a song on a compilation my old friend scott macdonald made for me to get through recovery. it's called "the black and the red" by one reason. it's good, ol' anthemic punk rawk. I'm not entirely sure if the lyrics are in praise of the virtues of anarcho syndicalism or punk rock, or even if the singer is truly bellowing "this life is what you make it."
but for now, for me, those are the words. and that's the point.
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4 comments:
Its a weird state of mind...knowing that you are going to be ok, yet, you wake up...and there's cancer along side you.
Like i said before, it is what it is. We deal...that's all we can do. I never tried to make sense of it. I dont think i ever will...though it happen, it came, its gone. Its how funny every time i think of this of my cancer and now yours (one out of 5 people has a STD...remember that)i'm reminded of this:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that, the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I - I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost
You're being a writer about all this, exploring it, searching for honesty, finding meaning without manufacturing meaning. But you're not exactly being a journalist. You're drawing on your journalism -- eye for detail, precise language as required -- but you're not stepping back as if there were two of you, Cancer George and Writer George. There's just George. Anyway, that's my impression.
Been thinking of you, George. Expect a new mix CD soon.
Two words - 'BIG HUGS.'
dooooood...i thought about you today and wanted to shout out.
SUCKA!!!
I send much love and prayers.
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